Free kids book

I wrote this in an effort to crack the tricky by rewarding kids novel market. I had no idea how tricky it was to get into and, anyway, it didn’t make the grade.

It’s aimed at boys between 7 and 10 so if you have any, feel free to let them read it.
Cut, paste and copy this to your hearts content but in the unlikely event that anyone is so impressed with this that they feel compelled to steal the story and publish it under their own name, be warned – I will hunt you down, take your money, destroy your life, then write about it. Cos that’s the kind of guy I am.

ANYWAY …there was this video
A novel for kids
By Jimmy Thomson

CHAPTER 1: KEVIN AND HIS SISTERS

Kevin O’Reilly couldn’t believe his luck. He had two sisters, Emma and Katie, and one was the best sister in the world – which was good – but the other was the worst. OK, that evened things up, but the best and the second-best, or even 100th best, would have been better.
Anyway, he was stuck with Katie, quite possibly the most evil person on the planet, next to maybe … no, he couldn’t think of anyone eviller than his little sister. Osama Bin Thingy had nothing on Banana Brain Katie. She was a year younger than him but she treated Kev like he was the kid. Her and her friend Sam from next door. Ooh, thinking about Katie and Sam and their sniggery little secret jokes made his blood boil.
Kevin wondered what blood really did when it boiled. Probably ended up a red gooey, sticky, stinky mess. Excellent! He would have to come up with some plan to boil Katie’s blood, so he could check it out. Trouble was, she could always spot his plans a mile off. Evil and smart – the worst combination a boy could ever get in a sister!
Now Emma, his much, much older sister was a different bag of lollies altogether. For a start she was kind and pretty and never, ever gave him a hard time. Her one fault was that sometimes she got a bit mooshy but he secretly didn’t mind at all. Emma could do no wrong as far as Kevin was concerned.
But there was one thing that he could nearly not forgive her for. She got married a couple of months before, to Dorky Don from next door. There was nothing wrong with Dorky Don – apart from him being a bit dorky, that is – or getting married (although Kev couldn’t really see the point).
The worst thing about it was that Emma asked Kevin to be her page boy and that meant having to dress up in a suit that was totally puke-making.
No, really! Get this, not only was it lilac – yuck! – it had a frilly shirt with a matching bow tie. OK, it was a small thing to do to make Emma happy and it was only for one day so that was fine.
Only it wasn’t for one day – it turned out it was for THE REST OF KEVIN’S LIFE.
You see, with a big family wedding you get a video made and that video was Katie and Sam’s favourite way of torturing Kevin. It was bad enough that they lurrrrrved the pictures of Katie in her stupid bridesmaid dress, but the worst part was when they got to Kevin standing there with a pained look on his face, like he’d just realised a cat had pooed in his shoe.
Oh, how they’d laugh. One time they fell off the sofa they were giggling so much. Course, Kevin didn’t have to stay and watch the video. As soon as they switched it on, he was out of there.
So then they started to ambush him. They’d all be sitting watching cartoons on TV when one of them would sneakily grab the controls and start the video player – right at the bit where the camera was on Kevin. She even peeled the label off so that it looked just like every other tape. It got so that Kev wouldn’t watch telly when Katie was around (which was probably a good thing as he had time to read some totally cool books) but he hated the idea of not being able to do what he wanted.
He needed a plan and he needed it soon.

CHAPTER 2: KEVIN’S PLAN – AND HOW IT BACKFIRED

Kevin’s best mate, Becksy, was a bit of a brainiac and he had a brilliant plan that would end Kev’s agony and get great revenge on Katie and Sam. All Kev had to do was edit himself out of the video. It wasn’t as hard as it sounded, Becksy said. But nothing ever is when you’re a brainiac, is it?
At first, Becksy suggested wiping the whole tape but Kev thought that would end him up in a heap of trouble. If there was one thing that Kev knew about weddings it was that women – especially mums and sisters – got all mooshy about them. Wiping the tape would be like … like … stealing Mum’s car and crashing it. That’s how bad it would be.
And that’s when Becksy suggested editing Kev’s bits out of the video. All they had to do was get to the parts where Kev was on screen then press record. Just let it tape over those bits and leave the rest alone. Kev had to admit that was brilliant, especially when Becksy suggested that they replace the shots of Kev with stuff the girls would hate like sport or war stuff. Everyone should have a brainiac for a mate. This was “genius from the planet Evil” stuff.
Eventually, Kevin settled on footy. That would drive Katie nuts. Every time she tried to find Kevin on the tape, there would be a couple of minutes of action from a match. Wicked! Becksy explained exactly what he needed to do. First he had to cover the security tab thing at the back of the video – sticky tape would do it. Then he had to find the bits with him on it, watch the tape counter thing to see how much he needed to tape over, then line it up and press record.
It was little bit complicated so Becksy made him repeat the instructions a couple of times to make sure he’d got it. Then he had to find a time when Katie was out of the house AND there was footie on TV but that came sooner than expected.
The very next Saturday Emma came round to take Mum and Katie shopping. She asked Kevin if he wanted to go but she was just being polite. She knew he hated shopping – especially shopping with Katie: “Ooohh, Kevin … this would look nice on you … snigger, chortle!!”
So he had the lounge room to himself. The women were all going shopping and Dad was in the shed building half an entertainment unit – a kind of stand for the TV, video and DVD player. Why was he building half of one? Well, Kevin’s Dad would start out building a whole thing but then he’d either realise it was too hard, or he didn’t have enough stuff, or it was taking longer than he thought it would and he’d give up.
He had all these tools – his toys, Mum called them – but not a lot of ability in the woodworking department. That’s why he only built half things. There was a stack of them behind the shed: a stool with two legs, a garden bench with no seat, one stilt and a bird table with no table.
Mum said she was going to go on the internet and find if there was a bloke who was building the other halves of the things Dad never finished. Maybe they could get together and have whole things. But he would say “haw-haw … and who ya gonna call when you stuff it up and your computer screen freezes?” Then he puts on a girly voice and goes: “Oooh, Tom, the computer’s broken and I didn’t touch anything.” And then they’d stick their tongues out at each other and make faces. Which was fine, although Kevin remembered being told not to do that to people.
Anyway, Kevin had the perfect set-up for a bit of sneaky wedding video editing. Mum and Katie were out and he could hear drilling and sawing noises coming from the bottom of the garden. So he got the wedding video from Katie’s room and taped over the security tab thing with some sticky tape he’d borrowed from Dad, just like Becksy had told him. Then he took a tape out that someone had left in the video machine, put the wedding video in and fast forwarded to the first bit he was in. He could barely look at himself again in that suit but he had to get the timing exactly right. All he was taking out were the bits with him in it. So technically, they belonged to him. Kind of. But as long as it was just him that he took out, who could complain?
Kevin realised the hair was prickling up on the back of his head. He knew what he was doing was, very, very bad. And if he got caught he’d be in BIG trouble. Almost as big as the time he decided to see if the family’s dinner – a vegetable curry, if he remembered right – would taste better with half a kilo of sugar in it. It didn’t and he was banned lollies for about a month. But that was ages ago and next time he wanted to experiment with food he’d do it one bowl at a time rather than the potful.
Anyway, this was probably even worse but then he had to think about the rest of his life – never being able to watch TV again in case Katie ambushed him with the wedding video tape. Course, the family would find out but then he would say that Katie’s the one who’s always mucking around with the tape – which was not a total lie – and then deny all knowledge of how it got taped over – which was.
And that was why the hair was prickling up on the back of his neck. He was about to do a bad thing and hope he’d get away with it. He was excited and scared and guilty all at the same time. Then he pressed “Record” and the tape machine whirred into life and it was too late to change his mind.
Once he’d got the hang of it, it was pretty easy. Three of the most embarrassing moments of his life gone, replaced by two bits of football and half an advert for fried chicken, which was an added bonus – Katie hated chicken almost as mush as she hated football.
Kevin checked the tape again, then let it run for a moment or two past one of the snatches of football. And there she was, Katie with her smarmy smile in her bridesmaids dress that looked to Kevin like a party frock lost a fight with a fairy floss machine. And then an evil thought struck him. What if he taped over Katie’s bits too? Hurr, hurr. That would be revenge. No more him but, even better, no more her. He could hear her screams already: “M-u-u-u-u-m! Kevin’s ruined the wedding video!!” Hurr, hurrr … NO. A little voice in Kevin’s brain said: “That’s crossing the line, Kev. It’s mean and nasty and if your picture belongs to you then her picture belongs to her.”
Kevin’s thumb hovered over the record button but at the last second he pressed rewind. He’d tell her, that’s what he’d do. He’d tell Katie he COULD have taped over her but he didn’t so she should stop complaining and be grateful. Yeah. That’s what he’d say. Kevin was nodding and smiling and feeling very pleased with himself when his Dad appeared in the doorway.
“Kevin, what did you do with that tape?,” his dad sounded more puzzled than annoyed but it didn’t stop Kevin almost pooing himself when he heard him.
“Nothing … I don’t know …” Kevin lied in a surprisingly squeaky voice that didn’t sound like him .
“But you did. I saw you,” his dad said.
“No I didn’t. It was Katie.”
“Katie?” Kevin’s dad sounded totally confused. “I thought you borrowed it to fix the handle of your cricket bat.”
“Oh, that tape … The black sticky tape.” Kevin realised he hadn’t breathed properly since his Dad had first spoken to him. “Yeah … It’s in my room … I’ll get it.”
And with that, Kevin jumped to his feet and raced off, leaving his Dad wondering what all the fuss was about and how he’d managed to end up with such a strange kid in his otherwise normal family.
Kevin’s heart was racing as he grabbed the roll of tape. He really thought he’d been sprung but it was OK. Mission accomplished – the dirty deed was done. Kevin ran down to the shed to give his dad the sticky tape and got back to the house just as Emma, his Mum and Katie arrived home. By the time Emma had given him a huge hug and Mum had slipped him a bar of chocolate, Kevin had completely forgotten about the tape.
Which was a bit of a problem because, while they were sitting in the kitchen trying to break the world record for eating a packet of Tim Tams, in the lounge room, where they couldn’t see it, a little red light came on at the front of the video machine. Except it wasn’t a light it was a word – two words, actually. And the words were “TIMER RECORDING”. And while Emma told Kevin all about Sophie, this old friend of hers she’d met who now lives in America, the video machine was doing exactly what it was supposed to. And Kevin’s life was about to get turned upside down and dropped on its head.

CHAPTER 3: AAAAAAAAARGH!

Why is this chapter called “Aaaaaaargh!”?
To cut a long story short, in the mall, somewhere between the donuts (yay!) and the clothes shop (boo!), Emma had met Sophie who was her best friend at school but they lost touch when Sophie went to live in Los Angeles where she was working in a TV studio … the same one where they make Kevin’s favourite cartoon but that wasn’t what she did. Anyway, much, much later, after the two little red words came up on the video recorder, Emma told Kevin, Katie and their mum and Dad where her Sophie worked.
And that reminded Kevin that the cartoon was on TV right then.
And that reminded Katie that she had set the video up to tape it.
“You did what?” asked Kevin, feeling the blood draining away from his face and collecting somewhere near his toes.
“I taped it,” Katie replied. “I knew you’d forget so I set the timer.”
Kevin jumped up and raced through to the lounge, squeaking (cos something strange had happened to his voice again), “I’ll just check it’s working.” And just when he thought life couldn’t get any worse, it did.
“While you’re there, love,” his mother said, “See if you can find Emma’s wedding video. Her friend Sophie wants to borrow it.”
That’s why this chapter is called “Aaaaaaargh!”
Kevin raced through to the lounge room and sure enough the video machine was recording. Kevin started frantically pressing buttons but it took him about three years – OK, it felt like three years but was really three seconds – to get the machine to stop. Either way, he knew it was too late. There was an episode and a half of his favourite cartoon where his sister’s wedding should be.
Kevin grabbed the tape and stuck it under a cushion on the sofa. Then he wandered through and announced that the video machine wasn’t taping and that they’d missed the cartoon and it was all Katies fault. Uh-oh, another porkie that he knew would somehow come back to bite him on the bum. But Mum didn’t care about that. “I still need to get the wedding video for Sophie,” she said and Katie skipped off to her room to get it. Except, of course, it wasn’t there.
That gave Kevin a little time to think of an excuse but he couldn’t. He was going to say he’d almost caught a burglar stealing it. But that hadn’t worked when he used it for the time he’d said he’d done his homework when he hadn’t. Dad had started phoning the police (or maybe he was just pretending to phone). Anyway, Kevin owned up and got grounded at home AND detention at school which he had to admit was better than prison … but only just.
Katie had a funny look in her eye when she came back from the bedroom it was her special “Kevin?” look, the one that said: “I know you’ve been up to something but I don’t know what it is.” She had learned it from Mum who was seriously good at it.
“Kevi-i-i-i-n,” she said in a sugary sweet little voice. “Where is the wedding video?”
But Kevin was already on the way out of the door and heading for Becksy’s.

CHAPTER 4: PLAN B

Becksy’s face was bright, bright red, like it was going to explode, and he was whispering “Can’t breath …” in a voice that sounded like he wasn’t kidding. Kevin got off Becksy’s chest and pulled him to his feet.
Becksy sucked in air like he was finishing off a thick shake and looked like he was trying to stop his eyes popping out of his head. “You nearly killed me,” he gasped as soon as he had enough breath.
“Nearly is good,” said Kevin. “There’ll be nothing nearly about me being dead when Mum and Dad find out about the video. You and your great ideas!”
“I didn’t tell you to leave the stupid tape in the stupid machine, did I?” Becksy complained. “It’s not my fault if you’re a bit thick.” Becksy thought Kevin looked like he was going to sit on him again so he jumped back. Anyway, Kevin knew Becksy was right. It was his own stupid fault. If only he hadn’t thought about taping over Katie.
“It’s Karma,” Becksy said. “When you do anything bad, bad things happen to you.”
“Karma?” Kevin asked. “I thought that was a kind of curry.”
That’s Korma,” Becksy said, in that know-all voice of his. “It’s a mild curry made with …”
“Never mind the cookery class,” Kevin interrupted. “Tell me how to get out of this …”
“A recipe for success, huh?”
“More thinking and less talking, Becksy, or I’ll sit on you again.”
Becksy gulped hard and breathed in, like he was checking if his lungs still worked. “OK, OK, tell me what the problem is again.”
So Kevin explained that his sister Emma’s friend Sophie was on holiday from America and Emma wanted her to see the wedding video and if Kevin showed her the last one they had at home, he’d get sprung for taping over it. And he managed to say all that in one breath without stopping.
Becksy thought for a minute: “OK, who else has got videos?”
“How should I know?”
“Well, think – if you can get another tape of it, you can copy it and no one will ever know the difference. How long have we got?”
“Sophie’s coming over for a barbie next Sunday. I suppose she’ll expect to get it then,” Kevin said.
“Great, then we’ve got a whole week.” Becksy got a piece of paper from a drawer. “We need to make a list.”
Fifteen minutes later, Becksy and Kevin were staring at the paper which had only two names on it – Emma’s husband Dorky Don and Auntie Joyce. Kevin was concentrating so hard he thought his brains were about to start trickling out of his ears but he couldn’t think of anyone else who had a copy of the video, lived nearby and might not dob him in to Emma.
And even then, the two names on the list were pushing it. Dorky Don might tell Emma and Auntie Joyce was a bit nutty these days and might forget that she’d promised not to – and that’s if he could get her to promise in the first place. Kevin decided that Don was the best bet. He was always trying to be Kevin’s “mate” – now it was time to find out how much of a mate he really wanted to be.

CHAPTER 5: DON’S DARK SECRET

Dorky Don was jumpy. He’d been fine – all matey and friendly and ruffling Kevin’s hair (which he hated, by the way, but he wasn’t going to complain if it meant Don was going to save his life). But when Kevin slipped a mention of the wedding video into the conversation, Don got all sort of nervous and agitated.
Maybe it was the way Kevin said it: “Don, mate, seen any good wedding videos lately?” Kevin had to admit it wasn’t the kind of thing blokes normally talk about, even when one of them is married to the other one’s sister. But Don, instead of looking puzzled, looked nervous.
“What do you know?” Don hissed, looking a lot more dangerous than dorky.
“What?” Kevin replied, not expecting him to react anything like this.
“Is this some kind of blackmail cos, if it is, it isn’t going to work.” Don was talking really close now. So close, Kevin could tell his brand of toothpaste. Don thought for a second, then said, “OK … it might work depending on what you want.”
“It’s not blackmail …” Kevin said in surprise. “Why would I blackmail you … I don’t know anything about you that you’ve done bad…” Kevin was clearly telling the truth but at the same time he was thinking “Wow, I could have blackmailed him.”
“Then why are you asking about the wedding video?” Don was genuinely puzzled now.
Kevin heard the other shoe drop. “Oh … you’ve done something to your wedding video too …”
Don sized Kevin up. He wasn’t as dorky as he looked. “Football … Grand final … I was rushing out … didn’t look at tape.” He looked Kevin in the eye. This was real bloke stuff, sharing dangerous secrets like spies. “And you …?”
“Cartoons,” Kevin said, like he was telling Don the name of a famous battle he’d fought in. “Halloween special.”
“Cool,” said Don and Kevin knew he’d earned his respect. “Hey … if you find another copy …”
“Of the cartoons?” Kevin asked.
“No, the wedding!”
“Oh, of course. You’ll be the first know …”
Kevin strolled off feeling quite pleased with himself … until he realised he was no closer to finding a replacement wedding video. In fact, he was worse off because his list of two possibles was now a list of one – Auntie Joyce. And she could turn out to be more trouble than owning up.

CHAPTER 6: THE OTHER PLAN B

Auntie Joyce lived in a little terrace house with the neatest front garden you have ever seen. It was like the grass had been combed as well as cut, there wasn’t a stray leaf on the ground and even the birds must have pooed elsewhere because the birdbath was spotlessly clean.
But Kevin knew this was just a front … obviously, it was the front of the house but it was also covering up what was beyond the front door. Inside, the house was a mad mess of … stuff – piles and piles of old, dusty, useless … stuff.
Auntie Joyce was jumbled up too. She was short and mostly round, and well-padded like a friendly, old, well-loved sofa, and a bit faded like one too. Her hair seemed to go in about ten different direction and her cardigan was pulled off one shoulder as if she had been halfway through putting it on when she got distracted by the phone or the Sydney Olympics or some other event that needed her full attention.
First of all, Kevin had to endure Auntie Joyce’s hug which was big soft and warm but went on just a little bit too long for comfort. Then he explained why he was there – to see if she still had a copy of the wedding video.
“Yes … oh, yes!” she said very definitely. Kevin breathed a big sigh of relief but it didn’t last long. “I know it’s here somewhere.”
She looked around the room and Kevin’s eyes followed her gaze. There were piles of newspapers so high it looked like they were holding up the ceiling. Cardboard boxes full of ornaments and trinkets were stacked in a couple of corners. Bags of clothes were strewn in another. It looked like Auntie Joyce hadn’t thrown out anything in the past 100 years.
Kevin couldn’t help himself. The question had to be asked: “Why do you have all these old newspapers, Auntie Joyce?”
She looked around and was faintly surprised, as if she hadn’t noticed the huge, teetering pillars of newsprint before that moment. The cogs were turning in her brain as she tried to make sense of them herself.
“Aha!,” she grinned. “There was recipe in one of them and I hadn’t had time to find it before … well, suddenly there were more newspapers to go through. They come out every day, you know. And it would be a shame to throw them out before I found it.”
“What was the recipe for?” Kevin was curious what fabulous dish would inspire such dedication.
“Oh, I can’t remember, lovey. It was so long ago …” Kevin realised at that point that she was totally bonkers. “Anyway,” she continued. “Your tape is probably over there by the TV.”
She gestured vaguely at a pile of books and, yes, video tapes in the corner. An old rabbit ears aerial sticking out from beneath them was the only clue that a TV might be hidden under the pile. “I don’t watch much TV … I don’t have the time, what with keeping this place organised,” she said, not even noticing that Kevin laughed, thinking she was joking. “Have a look yourself – it’ll be there somewhere.”
An hour later, Kevin has sorted through all the books and videos, stacking them in two neat piles, but there was still no sign of the wedding tape. He had, however, found copies of just about every gardening and cookery show there had ever been on TV. He also found a brand new video player that hadn’t even been taken out of its box.
“Oooh! That’s where that got to,” Auntie Joyce beamed with delight. “I called the police … I thought it had been stolen.” She settled down to take the video out of it’s box and start plugging in all the wires. “The last one jammed,” she explained. “That’s why I got this new one. But the tapes mount up – they have new programmes every day, you know.”
Kevin said he knew. Auntie Joyce was concentrating on the video so she barely noticed Kevin getting ready to go. It was time for dinner and he knew there was no chance of finding the tape in all this mess.
“I’ll be off then,” he smiled. Auntie Joyce looked up. “Thanks for sorting all this out,” she said. “I’m looking for a book about pumpkins that I promised Mr Agamemnon next door. I’ll keep an eye out for your video.”
“Thanks,” Kevin said at the door. “Let me know if you find it.”
“I will, lovey. I surely will.” Auntie Joyce mumbled as best she could, considering she was upside down over the TV trying to plug in the video player. Kevin let himself out and trudged home.
He knew there was no chance of finding the tape in time and he was trying hard not to think about what would happen when he confessed what he’d done. But the harder he tried not to think about it, the more he did.

CHAPTER 7: STARTS BADLY, GETS WORSE

When Kevin finally got home his worst fears about what was going to happen to him weren’t as bad as what was actually waiting for him. Sophie – Emma’s friend from America – was already there, talking to Mum and Emma. She’s come to see them a day early.
Kevin would have scooted right through the house with a cheery “Hi … gotta go!” But Mum made him come and sit down. Anyway, there were Tim Tams on the table. What’s a boy to do?
Both Emma and Kevin’s mum seemed very impressed with Sophie, who was going on about living in Los Angeles, which is where Hollywood is. Apparently you can’t go anywhere there without bumping into someone famous. Or Sophie couldn’t anyway.
She seemed to be meeting famous people all the time. All you had to do was say a name and she would have stood next to them in a supermarket queue or sat near them at a table in a café or nearly run them over in her car.
“Is there anybody in LA who isn’t famous … apart from you?” Kevin asked and his mum told him not to be rude (although he couldn’t see how he had been). Anyway … this was all fine by Kevin because the one thing they weren’t talking about was the wedding video.
And then Kevin’s Dad went and ruined it all by walking in saying “here it is” and waving a videotape like it was a prize. “It was under Kevin’s bed,” he added and his Mum looked puzzled.
“Why did you have Emma’s wedding video under your bed,” she asked him. Kevin though for a minute and said “I dunno,” and shrugged. OK, it wasn’t a brilliant reason like, “I heard there was a gang of video pirates in the area and I wanted to make sure it was safe” or “I read somewhere that you have to store videos in a cool place and the fridge was already full.”
No, he just said “I dunno” and shrugged. To his relief, as usual, everybody accepted that and said nothing more about it.
Just as well, too. Because Kevin was now having kittens, wondering how he could get the dreaded wedding video – or, to be more accurate, the cartoon video with a bit of wedding on it – back from Sophie. He decided to go and call Becksy, who might be down to Plan C, D or even Z but at least he’d have an idea.
Then Sophie popped the video in her bag and said she had to be going. There was a lot of kissy-kissy, which Kevin managed to avoid, and they made plans for Sophie to come back on Wednesday night for dinner, when she was going to bring the tape back. Wednesday. It was already Saturday and that was only four days away. Kevin’s heart sank. What was he going to do?

CHAPTER 8: THE GREAT ESCAPE

Kevin was on the internet trying to book a flight to South America, when Becksy arrived. Kevin was depressed. The cheapest he could find was $2,000. Becksy suggested South Africa – it’s a bit closer – but even that was $1,500. Then he suggested South Australia and that was only $99.
“How much have you got?” Becksy asked.
“Eleven dollars and 15 cents, counting next week’s pocket money,” Kevin replied glumly. Becksy pointed out that Kevin wouldn’t be able to get next week’s pocket money if he was in Brazil or even Adelaide. Kevin said he realised that but he had a brilliant idea – he was going to apply for a credit card and pay it off when he got a job as an explorer in the Amazon.
They spent the next ten minutes looking at all the credit card websites but they all needed you to be over 18 AND have a bank account. “How strict is that?!” Kevin said, adding that he was surprised they ever got any business at all. Becksy said if they didn’t have rules, Brazil would be full of dumb kids who forgot to take their sisters’ wedding videos out of their VCRs.
That seemed to be a good point for them to wrestle for a bit, so they did. It ended, unusually, with Becksy sitting on Kevin’s chest. Kevin was obviously letting this video thing get to him.
Luckily, Becksy had another plan. They would find out where Sophie was living …
“Somewhere full of famous people, probably …” Kevin joked but Becksy didn’t get it.
… then they’d steal the video and no one would ever know. But there was one problem – people would wonder why the video was stolen.
“Video pirates,” Kevin said, feeling very clever that he’d remembered the reason he should have given when his mum asked why the tape was under his bed. “We could start a rumour that there have been video pirates in the area.”
Becksy had to explain to him that video pirates weren’t people with wooden legs and parrots who sailed around looking for videos to steal. They were people who copied films and then sold them illegally.
Becksy said it in such a smartypants way that Kevin jumped on him again and this time he won. Becksy’s plan had really perked him up. Now all they had to do was find out where Sophie was living.
Just then the phone rang and Kevin ran downstairs to get it. It was Auntie Joyce.
“Oooh, Kevin, it’s you … good,” she trilled. “Just to let you know that I’ve found it, lovey. Must dash. Bye.”
Now, this put a whole new spin on things. If they got the tape from Auntie Joyce and swapped it with the one that Sophie had, then no one would be any the wiser. They wouldn’t even have to tell the pirate story. This was getting better and better. They decided to celebrate with an orange juice.
Their only problem was, Kevin said as he closed the fridge door, they didn’t know where Sophie was staying. Kevin knew it was a hotel but he couldn’t remember the name. But Becksy isn’t called a brainiac for nothing.
He got the Yellow Pages out and read out all the names of all the hotels but none of them sounded like the one Sophie had mentioned when she’d been round the other night. Then Becksy got a far away look in his eyes and said: “It’s the Royal Hotel.”
“I don’t think so,” said Kevin.
“It is,” Becksy said, very definitely. “Room 811, The Royal Hotel, Oxford Street.” Kevin wondered if Becksy had suddenly become psychic when he said, “Look behind you”. Kevin warned him that if this was a stupid trick he would practise his Vulcan death grip on him again but Becksy just laughed and shook his head.
Kevin turned around and there it was, on a piece of paper attached to the fridge by a magnet advertising takeaway pizzas: Sophie’s address. Becksy and Kevin hi-fived each other … This was going to be so-o-o-o-o easy!

CHAPTER 9: THE TWO BECKSYS

Kevin and Becksy raced round to Auntie Joyce’s already planning how they were going to swap the tapes. Becksy said his mum had a jar full of old keys – they would take them and see if any fitted. Kevin said his dad had a tin full of old keys too so between them they were bound to find one that opened the hotel room door – how many different keys could there be in the world?
Kevin also said that he had ski masks – the kind that cover the whole face except for the eyes and mouth – just in case they got spotted on security cameras. This was going to be so cool.
When they got to Auntie Joyce’s they knocked on the door but no one answered. They were about to leave when they heard a distant, muffled: “Come in …” so they did.
Auntie Joyce was nowhere to be seen so they called out to her. Her answer – “Through here … through here …” – was surprisingly quiet and sounded kind of desperate. They followed her voice into an empty room that had a giant heap of glossy magazines in the corner.
“Hello ..?” said Kevin, suspiciously. The pile of magazines moved and Becksy screamed. Then Auntie Joyce’s tousled head appeared out of the middle of it. The boys dug away some of the magazines then helped her to her feet.
“I was looking for a knitting pattern but these glossy magazines are so slippy,” she explained. “And once one pile went, the others just followed.”
All Becksy could say was “awesome” as he looked around at all the piles of junk, newspapers and books. “Totally awesome.”
Once she’d calmed down a bit, Auntie Joyce was surprised to see both of them although she got mixed up over which one was Becksy and which was Kevin. The boys just went along with it, even when she called Becksy ‘Kevin’ and asked him what his “little friend’s” name was. The boys rolled their eyes at each other and Becksy, pretending to be Kevin, replied, “Becksy ..?”
Not surprisingly, Becksy was keen to get out of this madhouse, so he went on being Kevin: “You said on the phone that you’ve found it?”
“Yes, I did,” beamed Auntie Joyce. “And you know what, it was exactly where I left it. How funny is that?”
Not funny at all, Kevin almost said, since there wasn’t really anywhere else it could be. But he didn’t say that. Instead he said, “So … where is it?” fearing that she might have lost the tape again.
“Mr Agamemnon’s got it,” she smiled. “I took it right round in case I lost it again.”
“Mr Agamemnon’s got the tape?” Kevin was puzzled. So was Auntie Joyce. “What tape?” she blinked.
“The wedding tape,” Kevin explained.
“Why would Mr Agamemnon want the wedding tape?” asked Auntie Joyce, more confused than usual.
“But you just said you found it and gave it to him,” Kevin moaned.
“Not the tape … the pumpkin book. I found the pumpkin book I was looking for.” Auntie Joyce was becoming quite agitated. “I’m sorry. I didn’t see any tape.”
Kevin and Becksy were disappointed and Auntie Joyce could see it. “Boys, boys,” she trilled. “Speaking of tapes – how would you like an old video machine to play with. One of my nephews found my new one the other day and this is broken.” She pointed to the old VCR. Kevin was amazed that she didn’t even remember that he was the nephew who found it.
“No thanks,” he said. “We’d better be going.” But Becksy had other ideas: “I wouldn’t mind it, if you’re throwing it out anyway.” Kevin had forgotten that brainiacs like taking apart old broken things so they can see how they work.
And so they left Auntie Joyce’s, the first part of their brilliant plan in tatters. As they were going out the front door, she grabbed Kevin and whispered: “What’s your little friend’s name?”
“Becksy,” said Kevin.
“Oooh, what a coincidence,” she said in amazement. ” The same as yours.”
As the walked down the garden path Kevin and Becksy heard a shriek and what sounded like an avalanche of newspapers. They looked at each other and kept walking. When they got to the corner near Becksy’s house, Kevin said they could still go back to their plan to steal the tape from Sophie’s hotel room.
Becksy agreed – but it wasn’t as good as replacing it with Auntie Joyce’s copy. While they were talking about what to do next, Becky idly slipped his thumb into the little hatch where you put tapes in the video machine.
“Hang on,” he grinned, “What’s this in here?”
The both looked inside at the tape stuck in the machine and there, on the label, were the two magic words “Emma’s Wedding”. Whooo-hooooo!

CHAPTER 10: SPRUNG!

Kevin had never seen the inside of a video machine before but there didn’t seem to be much to it as it lay in bits on the work bench in his Dad’s tool shed.
And the thing was, it didn’t make it that must easier to get the tape out. The best he and Becksy could do was to get the cassette part out but a long twisted loop of tape was still going into, and back out of, the bit of the machine that actually played it.
They had just decided that they weren’t going to get the tape out of the machine without destroying it, which would have meant they had no tape to swap anyway, when Kevin’s dad walked in.
“I hope that’s not our video machine,” he said grumpily. Kevin told him the whole story about how they got it off Auntie Joyce (leaving out the bit about the other tape and their plans to swap it over).
“Maybe we should get this out of your way,” Kevin said, reaching for the bits of video. But his dad told him to leave it there and that, anyway, they should be playing outside. He had that look in his eye, obviously thinking he could fix it. They were glad to get out of there. They had a daring robbery of a hotel room to get on with.
* * *
Becksy was being a real pain as they rode up in the lift to the eighth floor of the Royal Hotel. “If you think this ski mask is OK, you wear it.”
Kevin, who already had his on, looked in the mirror and reckoned he looked like a really tough spy or a bank robber, with just holes for his eyes and mouth. Becksy, on the other hand, looked like a really girly girl, probably because his ski mask was bright pink and had a big red woolly pom-pom on the top.
Eventually, Becksy pulled it off his head and said he’d rather go to jail that been seen in it. Kevin took his off too. If they recognised Becksy it wouldn’t take them long to work out who his mate was.
The lift bell went “ding” and the doors opened. An arrow on the wall pointed to rooms 801 to 816. That’s where 811 would be. They crept along the corridor until the got to the correct door. Becksy fished in his backpack for his collection of old keys when he got them out, Kevin was shaking his head. He pointed at the lock – instead of keys, it took a swipe card.
Right at this moment, Kevin decided that whoever invented credit cards must have really hated him. First they stop him escaping to South America, then they stop him breaking into a hotel room. Kevin said they should be banned. Becksy said that they are – if you’re under 18.
They sat in the hallway and wondered what to do next. Becksy had seen a film once where somebody called for room service then hid in the trolley under the tablecloth and got in that way. Kevin thought it was a brilliant idea but then they argued about what they should order. Kevin wanted ice cream but Becksy wanted pizza. Then they realised it didn’t matter what they ordered. And that was just before they realised they didn’t have a phone.
They got up and were just about to admit defeat and go home when, to their horror, the door of room 811 opened and out stepped Sophie and Emma. Emma was surprised to see the boys there and asked them what they were doing.
“We saw you coming into the building and decided to surprise you,” Kevin lied.
“But I’ve been here for more than an hour,” said Emma, puzzled.
“It took us ages to find you,” said Becksy, the genius. “We were just about to give up …”
“We got lost,” said Kevin, laying it on a bit thick but it did the trick.
“How about we buy you an ice cream?” said Emma.
“Any chance of pizza?” said Becksy as Kevin threw him a filthy look. But Emma didn’t mind. “I’m sure we can manage something like that too.”

CHAPTER 11: THE TRUTH COMES OUT

Kevin couldn’t really enjoy his ice cream. The ice cream itself was good enough – vanilla with chocolate sauce and nuts, just how he liked it best – and it wasn’t even having to listen to Sophie going on and on about how American ice cream was better and American pizzas were bigger.
Kevin couldn’t really enjoy it because here was Emma doing something nice for him and all the while she didn’t know he’d ruined her wedding video and then lied to her. A couple of times he almost told her what had really happened but he was scared and he knew she’d be upset. She’d find out soon enough, till then all he could do was think about what was going to happen when Sophie watched the tape and the truth came out.
Kevin and Becksy were going to have one last shot at swapping the tapes but the old video machine had gone – Kevin’s dad had probably thrown it out -and tape that was stuck in it had gone too. As the days rolled around to when Sophie was coming round for tea, Kevin tried to be extra well behaved, helping around the house and hardly ever fighting with Katie. He even washed and put on clean clothes before Sophie came round, without being asked.
Was it going to be enough? Emma and Dorky Don arrived early to help with the barbie – they were having it at Mum and Dad’s place because they had a bigger backyard. Katie was all excited because she wanted to hear more stories about famous people. But Kevin was dreading what was going to happen next and when Sophie came in and handed Emma the tape, Kevin’s heart was thumping like one of those doof-doof cars with loud music coming from it. But, instead of saying: “There’s something wrong with this tape.” She just smiled, thanked Emma and said it was lovely. Weird!
So Kevin started to relax until Mum asked Sophie what she thought of the wedding video. “Lovely,” she said. “Of course, we’re going to get our wedding video shot by a big Hollywood director, like Steven Speilberg or Quentin Tarantino. We haven’t decided yet.”
“Wow,” thought Kevin. “Kill Bill 3: The wedding.” But again he wondered why she wasn’t talking about the cartoon at the beginning of the tape. He decided to change the subject. “What’s the top footy team in Los Angeles?” he asked Sophie, but everyone just laughed and she didn’t answer.
Katie would not let the wedding video thing lie. “Wasn’t that a lovely little church?” she said. Sophie said it was “cute” but went on to say that she and her boyfriend were going to get married in some huge cathedral – that’s if the Hollywood Bowl was already booked. Emma explained that the Hollywood Bowl was a big open-air concert venue but Kevin was starting to get suspicious. All the bits of the video that had the church in it had been taped over.
Kevin’s Dad went inside to open a bottle of wine and Kevin said he’d help (not that his dad needed any). As he was passing the kitchen table, Kevin looked closely at the video tape Sophie had brought back. Sure enough, it was the one he had taped over. His sticky tape was still over the recording tab thing.
Kevin sidled up to his dad and whispered: “Dad, she hasn’t watched the tape.”
Kevin’s Dad looked at him. “How do you know that?” he asked.
Kevin gulped. This was the moment of truth. “Because I accidentally taped over it.”
Kevin’s dad looked at him and blew out like a silent whistle. “Does your mum know?” Kevin looked at his Dad with a “have I been grounded for the rest of my life?” look. His dad nodded and smiled and said: “Point taken.”
Kevin’s Dad thought for a minute. “Look,” he said, “It’s no crime not to want to watch a wedding video. You, of all people, know that.”
“OK,” Kevin replied, “But all the time she’s saying how much better her wedding’s going to be and that’s not fair on Emma. She doesn’t even know what Emma’s wedding was like.”
Kevin’s Dad said: “Leave it with me.” And they walked back out to the backyard.
“So, Sophie,” Kevin’s Dad said as he poured the wine. “What did you think of the six white stallions pulling the Cinderella coach?” Sophie, Emma, Don Mum and Katie all looked at him like he was mad. “In Emma’s wedding video,” he explained.
Emma, Don, Mum and Katie were looking at him like he was even madder but Sophie said. “Yes, I suppose they were quite nice. But we’re thinking of having elephants … for everyone.” Now Emma, Katie and Mum were looking at Sophie like she was mad. Kevin and his Dad winked at each other.
“And what about the helicopter that took her to the reception?” said Kevin. Now everyone was looking at him. And Sophie said, it was nice but she was going to have one of those airship blimp things at hers. Kevin and his dad started laughing.
Emma, Don and Mum were still confused but Katie – good old Katie – had cottoned on. “Wasn’t it great that Russell Crowe came along,” she said. “And got his band to play at the reception.”
Sophie was looking a bit suspicious but she was stuck in a lie that got bigger and bigger and she couldn’t get out of it. “Yes,” she said. “Of course, we’re hoping Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are coming to ours … if they’re not too busy.”
Katie and Kevin laughed and high-fived each other. Sophie looked confused but not as confused as Emma. Dorky Don looked oddly at Kevin, as if to say, “Is this about what I think it’s about?” then got up to go to the toilet. But Mum had had enough. “Would someone please tell me what’s going on here? What’s all this rubbish about horses and helicopters and Russell Crowe?”
Dad answered in his quiet, serious voice: “The thing is, love, we don’t think Sophie watched the video. And that’s OK, because some people just don’t like them. And I don’t even mind Sophie fibbing about it – sometimes little white lies save more hurt than they cause.”
Sophie was about to say something but Kevin’s Dad raised his hand to silence her. “The thing is, Sophie, I won’t have you sit in my house and tell my Emma that your wedding is going to be so much better than hers when you don’t even know what hers was like. That’s not fair and really, if you call yourself a friend, it’s a bit sad.”
And with that, Sophie burst into tears, ran out of the backyard and left. Emma had tears in her eyes too when she said, “She used to be my best friend.” And dad gave her a big hug. Dorky Don came back from the bathroom, noticed that Sophie was missing and Emma was a bit teary and said: “Did I miss something?” He wasn’t called Dorky for nothing.
Then Mum, who was good at thinking things through, said: “How did you know she hadn’t watched the video?” Dad looked at Kevin and saw he was about to tell the whole story, so he jumped in. “She didn’t mention Emma’s dress once. And nobody could see that and not say how fantastic she looked. Tell you what,” he went on, “I reckon she might have taped over it accidentally.”
Katie opened her mouth to speak: being supersmart, she had already worked out what had really happened. But Dad fixed her with one of his evil eye looks so she said nothing.
Then Dad looked at Kevin and said, very quietly: “When you’ve finished helping to clear up, I need to see you in the shed.”
* * *
When Kevin had finished telling his Dad what had happened and why he did what he did, he expected to be in big trouble. But his Dad was very calm and told him to look at the mess Sophie got herself in when she started telling lies, then had to keep going. “Just think of all the trouble you’d have saved yourself if you’d just told the truth at the beginning,” he said.
Then Kevin asked his dad why he fibbed about Sophie taping over the video by mistake. “I didn’t say she did it – I said she might have. But now you’re going to go and tell your Mum and sisters what you just told me – no more lies. And by the way, mate,” he said with a smile, “you were wrong about being grounded for the rest of your life.”
“I was … I mean, I’m not?” said Kevin, thinking he’d gotten off with it.
“No,” said his Dad, “Just for the next week.” Then he handed Kevin a video tape. “This is the one that was in Auntie Joyce’s machine. It was only chewed up at the beginning and I was able to fix it.”
“Great,” said Kevin, not really meaning it. He was back to square one with the fiendish Katie tape torture. “I suppose I should give this to Katie?”
“That’s up to you, mate,” said his Dad with a twinkle in his eye.
* * *
His Mum was really annoyed when Kevin told her, Katie and Emma the whole story but she couldn’t ground him again so she said a week was fine. Emma was OK about the whole thing. She said Sophie had called her to say sorry. Things hadn’t been going too well for her in America and she was making up all these stories so people wouldn’t think she was a failure.
And Emma got annoyed with Katie for using her wedding video to torture Kevin (yesssss … result!) and said it was partly her fault that it got taped over.
Mum said it was a shame that the video was taped over but Emma said it was OK, she and Don still had one at home. And a little light went on in Kevin’s head.
* * *
Kevin and Becksy went round to see Don the next day. He was frantic: Emma had been asking about their copy of the wedding video. What was he going to do? Kevin held up the tape his dad had rescued from the old video machine.
Don’s eyes went wide with surprise. “Is that it? Can I have it? Please?!”
“Look, we’re reasonable men,” said Kevin. “We’ll give you the tape in exchange for an ice cream a week for the next month …”
“Pizza for me,” said Becksy.
Don thought for a minute, then said: “OK but on one condition …”
“Name it,” said Kevin.
“Please stop calling me Dorky,” said Don.
And Kevin and Becksy both went bright, bright red.
THE END