Rain Shadow – Outback Gothic

The cover of the US and UK DVD.

This is without a doubt the biggest and best thing I have done in my career so far.  The production – co-created and co-written with my very dear friend Tony Morphett, godfathered by Scott Meek, produced by the brilliant Gus Howard and EP’d with just the right firmness of touch by Miranda Dear and, later, Amanda Higgs of the ABC.  Click here to see a trailer. The actors were superb from the top of the cast list to the bottom and the haunting music by The Audreys sounded as if it had been written for the series (it wasn’t).

The story of how it came about is interesting.  I was in London when the ABC announced its new head of drama, Scott Meek. Tony emailed me and said, “he’s in London, you’re in London, he’s Scottish, you’re Scottish, call him.”  So I did and to my amazement he took the call and we chatted for about 20 minutes, which if nothing else made it easier to get his attention when he eventually arrived in Sydney to take up his new position.

So we met and Tony and I pitched various drama ideas – old one, new ones – anything we thought he might like, but nothing.  Then eventually Scott asked, has anybody ever done a vet show?  Now, of course , there was A Country Practice but that was a long long time ago and wasn’t exactly what he meant.  So Tony and I went off and came up with a (merely) brilliant proposal which was basically “All Creatures Great And Small (And Marsupial)”.

Now, Scott kind of liked this but not quite enough.  We were experiencing what can only be described as “creative wheelspin” – lots of noise and energy but no forward movement – so we decided to go to Southern Star (with whom we’d both been talking anyway) and told them we had a foot and half a leg in the door at the ABC but we needed someone who could talk producer to producer.

Southern Star pointed us in the direction of Gus Howard who’s just come off seven years of producing Blue Heelers and was keen to get a creative challenge.  Gus flew us down to Adelaide and drove us round the area where the TV series would be eventually shot.  Over the course of a weekend, as we visited half abandoned towns and dessicated farms, All Marsupials Great and Small became the dark, brooding Outback Gothic piece which is available on DVD today.  During production the crew often commented on how close the scripts were to the location – and the simple reason for that was that the locations were part of the story before a word was written.

Our final meeting with Scott Meek at the ABC before we signed up for the series was one of those stories that can only happen in TV.  Everyone was happy with what we were doing and how we were going to do it and Scott announced that we had earned ourselves a lunch and if we would just wait downstairs in the foyer, he would go and get his jacket and answer any urgent calls that were waiting for him.  So Tony and I went downstairs and waited and waited until eventually we , being insecure writers, decided we must be waiting in the wrong place.  So we called back to the drama department and Miranda Dear came down and told us that they were very sorry but something had come up on another project and we knew how it was etc etc and Scott was very apologetic.

And we did know how it was etc etc so we went off and had a celebratory lunch on our own.  We found out later that Scott had walked back to his office and had been handed a letter telling him his services were not longer required by the ABC. We were his very last meeting there. How Hollywood!  But the show survived and Miranda stepped seamlessly into the breach and Scott got another great job and everything was fine.

But I do have one quibble. Someone somewhere did a deal with the ABC that said the DVD would only be sold via ABC shops and their website – nowhere else. That Christmas, I went into three ABC shops to see what kind of display it was getting and only one had it on the shelf.  Considering it had been rating its noo-nahs off just a couple of weeks before, and that they were the only outlet, you’d think they could have squeezed a bit of space inbetween their BBC costume dramas and Two Ronnies boxed sets for a bit of local product.  Even today, you can go to JB-Hifi and see an entire display dedicated to ABC product and still not find Rain Shadow – because they only sell it in ABC Shops which do, however, have very good displays of All Creatures Great And Small.

Oh, and if anyone ever wants to do All Marsupials Great And Small – have we got a concept for you!

My TV CV

MY AGENT: Curtis Brown, Sydney.

TELEVISION CV (Writer, except where noted)

2007 RAIN SHADOW Co-Creator/C-Writer (with Tony Morphett)/Southerm Star/ABC
2006 SONG FOR THE SOCCEROOS Creator/Associate Producer/ Writer Screentime/SBS
2005 FALCONIO TELEMOVIE Screentime/Ch 10/Power (UK)
2004 THE GREATEST AUSTRALIAN ABC TV
2003 LOOKING AFTER No 1 Telemovie for Seven Network
2002-2003 Script Development. Fox Australia.
2000-2001 CRASH PALACE Creator / Creative Producer / Writer.
1999 – 2000 Script Development. Fox Australia.
1997 – 1999 BREAKERS Creator / Story Producer / Writer.
1996 – 97 Script Development. Screentime Prods.
1996 DARLING Sitcom Pilot. ABC.
IN CAROL’S ARMS Sitcom Pilot. Grundys/Channel 10.
ALLY & DOC Sitcom pilot. Seven Network
GLADIATORS Series 3. Seven Network
1995 GLADIATORS Series 2. Seven Network
THE 1995 LOGIES Head writer. Seven Network
FUNNIEST PEOPLE Taffner Ramsay. Seven Network
1994 PEOPLE’S CHOICE AWARDS Seven Network
1993 A COUNTRY PRACTICE Script Editor. JNP Films.

It’s an honour just to be nominated … not

The funny thing about awards is that when you tell people that you’ve been nominated what you’re really saying is you’ve lost – you don’t talk about nominations when you’ve got a trophy sitting on top of your telly.
With that in mind, I’ve been nominated three times for sitcom writing Awgies (the Australian Writers Guild awards) and have yet to require space on my shelves for one (just as well as I need all the space I can get for my rejected scripts).
The first time I was nominated twice in one year – once with my very good friend and long-time collaborator Steve Myhill for a pilot episode of a show called “Ally and Doc”, which starred Ernie Dingo and Penny Cook. I might relate the story of how the series came to never be made once all the participants (including myself) are dead.
My other (solo) nomination was for a sitcom set in a Woman’s Day type magazine.
The third nominee was Garry Reilly for an episode of Bullpit (the Kingswood Country sequel) which had the slight advantage of having actually made it on to air. Garry is a genuinely funny man, a good operator and a totally decent bloke and he thoroughly deserved to win. Bastard!
A couple of years later I was nominated for the pilot of Dags, Murray Fahey’s TV adaptation of his almost successful comedy movie (available on video and, no doubt, DVD). I lost that one too.
Since then there hasn’t been a lot of sitcom on TV and what there has been, hasn’t been written by me. But I guess that even if I got all three nominations I still wouldn’t get a gong.
By the way, anyone who tells you that it’s enough of an honour merely to be nominated is either a liar or they’ve just won.

Crash Palace – boozing, bonking backpackers

Victoria Hill (now regularly employed in HCF ads) is possibly the only person on the planet who wouldn’t enjoy massaging Tori Musset. Shortly after “Carla” left for Alice Springs.

Stephanie Waring soon after got her dream job on Coronation St. But then her abandoned baby storyline coincided with the disappearance of Madaleine McCann and was dropped.

I caught up with Warren Derosa (John, in the background) and Dan Billet (Ricky) in LA a couple of years ago. Both trying to make it in Hollywood.

CRASH PALACE, 65 episodes of sex, drugs and soap, set in a Kings Cross, Sydney, backpackers hostel was – as they say – seen all over the world. But then, any Australian show is going to turn up filling a slot somewhere on the TV schedules of the planet, even if it is at 2am in Latvia.
I saw the old Aussie drama Sons and Daughters in Vietnam where they had neither over-dubbing nor subtitles. Instead a voice-over explained what each of the characters was saying to each other. Our tour guide explained that they’d tried overdubbing but these attractive Anglo-Aussies speaking perfect Vietnamese looked ridiculous. And subtitles didn’t work because too many people couldn’t read or write.
I saw Crash Palace on a Spanish language channel in Los Angeles with normal voice track (uncensored, I might add) and Spanish subtitles. Not sure how “Happy now, you slag!?!” translated but I’m sure they got the drift.
I know I’m biased but I reckon CP would do all right as a DVD release. It was the biggest drama on Foxtel back in 2002 but that was a long time ago before Pay TV was doing the numbers it now does. There were a lot of very talented young actors and writers involved in that show (and you could look out for the one who went all anti-topless on us and is now the advertising face of a major health fund). Email me on mail@jimmythomson.com if you agree and I’ll pass it on to the powers that be.
Anyway, here are some of the cuts. This material was collated by the excellent Australian TV website (link on the left).
JT 06
Welcome to the hotel vice
Sex, drugs, and lithe young bodies have been deemed a winning formula by broadcaster Sky One.
Its new drama Crash Palace, set in a backpackers’ hostel in Australia, unashamedly combines the ingredients.
As Rob Hawthorn in Hollyoaks, Warren played a psychopath. In his new role, he dabbles in drug dealing and uses smarmy charm to seduce women.
No sooner are the backpacks off, than the comely residents are indulging in some nefarious activities.
“On the outside, he seems a bad guy,” says Warren, 25. “But he is different—he has a light side.”
Leading the descent into abandon are former Hollyoaks stars Warren Derosa and Stephanie Waring.
Warren has a string of sex scenes. “When I saw the script I thought ‘oh my God’, but we had complete control.”
“It’s completely different to Hollyoaks,” says Stephanie, 23, who played teenage mum Cindy Cunningham in the Channel 4 soap.
The English stars spent four months in Sydney shooting the Sky One drama.
“The whole feel of it is different. It’s a lot more adult and aimed at a much older audience. We use much stronger language and there’s lots of nudity.”
But while their characters enjoyed an odyssey of abandon, life off the set was far from hedonistic.
Stephanie gives a highly-revealing performance as man-eating Tina Clark. “The sex scenes are really graphic,” admits the cheeky star. “They wanted it real, and in real life people don’t wear underwear. But they did it very tastefully.”
“Our work schedule was so heavy, from six in the morning to 8pm, five days a week—there was just no time to party,” says Warren.
But Stephanie’s boyfriend, actor Ben Maguire from Queer As Folk, wasn’t happy. “He’ll be leaving the room when those scenes are on,” she says.
“We did have a trip to the zoo but that was it!”
The actress’s career is definitely on the up since she left Hollyoaks last spring. As well as Crash Palace, she’s set to star with The Royle Family’s Ricky Tomlinson in new BBC drama Nice Guy Eddie.
Not content with filming down under, the actor has Hollywood ambitions.
“He seems a nice, down-to-earth family man,” says Stephanie, who starts work on the show in November.
“I was supposed to be going to LA recently but it’s all been put on hold for a while after the attacks of September 11,” reveals the intense star.
She is also contracted to shoot another series of Crash Palace.
“I have an agent out there and I was supposed to be there for the pilot season (when new shows are tried out by the networks). There were some shows that I was looking to do but I must now wait until it calms down.”
Some viewers may be shocked by the racy content of the Sky One show but Stephanie insists it’s true to life.
“It’s just the backpackers’ life, isn’t it?” says the actress.”People go to these places to have fun and having fun means having sex with lots of men.”
So, has Stephanie ever backpacked round the globe herself? “No, and I certainly haven’t got a taste for it now,” she smiles.
By Jonathan Donald
uk.tv.yahoo.com
October 18, 2001
Dark young man with a light side
Crash Palace sees the return of Warren Derosa as a young man with a dark side.
As Rob Hawthorn in Hollyoaks, Warren played a psychopath. In his new role, he dabbles in drug dealing and uses smarmy charm to seduce women.
“On the outside, he seems a bad guy,” says Warren, 25. “But he is different—he has a light side.”
Warren has a string of sex scenes. “When I saw the script I thought ‘oh my God’, but we had complete control.”
The English stars spent four months in Sydney shooting the Sky One drama.
But while their characters enjoyed an odyssey of abandon, life off the set was far from hedonistic.
“Our work schedule was so heavy, from six in the morning to 8pm, five days a week—there was just no time to party,” says Warren.
“We did have a trip to the zoo but that was it!”
Not content with filming down under, the actor has Hollywood ambitions.
“I was supposed to be going to LA recently but it’s all been put on hold for a while after the attacks of September 11,” reveals the intense star.
“I have an agent out there and I was supposed to be there for the pilot season (when new shows are tried out by the networks). There were some shows that I was looking to do but I must now wait until it calms down.”
By Jonathan Donald
uk.tv.yahoo.com
October 18, 2001
Crashing in on drama
FOXTEL will launch its first made-for-pay TV local drama series, Crash Palace, on March 11 on its Fox8 channel. The series, shot last year at Fox Studios Australia by Fox Television, will run on Mondays and Tuesdays.
The series is being produced as a group initiative for a number of leading cable/satellite television networks worldwide. They include Foxtel, BSkyB, Fox International Entertainment Channels in Spain, Latin America, North America and Sky Perfect TV in Japan.
It is already screening in the UK and in some Latin American countries. Cast member Tory Mussett reports she has already received some fan mail from there.
The series is set in a Sydney backpackers’ hostel and follows the lives of a group of young adults holidaying in Australia.
Cast members include Mussett, Jess Gower, Dieter Brummer, Jenni Baird (now in All Saints), Kristy Wright, Tandi Wright (ex-Shortland Street) and UK actors Stephanie Waring and Warren Derosa.
February 07, 2002
The Daily Telegraph
A crash course for pay TV’s backpack
Apart from movie channels, Fox8 is regularly the most-watched pay TV channel in Australia. Which possibly explains why its cautious and relatively late investment in a local drama has been the subject of industry grumbling.
Pay TV drama channels must invest at least 10 per cent of their programming budgets in new local productions. (To be fair, back when the rule was voluntary, Fox8 was one of the first channels to commission a local drama, the long-forgotten 1996 Shark Bay.)
Though the quota was designed to trigger additional local production, the legislation allowed channels to invest in projects that didn’t even end up on pay TV, to provide “top-up” funds for network shows and, in one case, to send money offshore.
But even one of the most fierce critics of the legislation is ready to applaud Fox8 for investing in the contemporary youth drama series Crash Palace. Sixty five episodes have been produced so far and another series is about to be commissioned.
Nick Murray, president of the Screen Producers Association of Australia, argues that productions such as Crash Palace, and TV1’s comedy-drama Shock Jock, honour the true purpose of the drama quota.
“Like Shock Jock, Crash Palace has been commissioned by a local pay TV channel, and you can only see it on that channel,” he says. “Given the success of local content on freetoair television, it’s something you’d hope to see more of on pay TV.”
According to Jimmy Thomson, the creator of Crash Palace, the brief for the 30-minute serial encompassed creative and pragmatic business concerns.
Thomson, a British journalist turned scriptwriter, had been developing projects at Fox Television in Sydney when a call went out to writers at Fox channels around the world for a concept to which all could contribute and from which all could benefit.
“At the time I was living in Kings Cross, backpacker central. Drinking cappuccinos at my favourite cafe and watching all these foreign people living in Sydney, the penny dropped. We can make a drama about backpackers,” he says.
“It had the right elements from the business angle, but in terms of dramatic possibilities it had so much to offer.
“My theory was that these people are at a crossroads in their life; they’re between school and work, but they are all at the threshold of their adult life.”
Thomson says the notion of young people in this situation “becoming someone else” is not as farfetched as it seems.
“It sounds weird but it’s quite common. People will take a year out, come to Australia and decide, ‘I’m not going to be the victim, the office nerd, that kind of person that I don’t like.’
“It’s as easy as that when you’re not in the environment that reinforces all the things you don’t like about yourself.”
In one storyline, a character who desperately needs money turns to working in the sex trade. “She doesn’t have the social and moral pressures of her home life, and it’s a much easier choice to make than she ever thought it would be,” he explains.
As the trailer for the show and a prominent ad featuring Tory Mussett in her knickers amply demonstrate (the Pepsi Chart Show host plays a carefree, liberated 23-year-old from Buenos Aires), Crash Palace makes no secret of its bid to be racy, provocative, edgy and sexy.
Knowing it was made for cable markets—primarily Australia and Britain, where it aired late last year on BSkyB—had a huge influence in how the show dealt with issues, Thomson admits.
“The obvious things are language, nudity, sexual references and drugtaking, but probably more important than that are the attitudes we have allowed people to have. We are allowed to have people who are really, really nasty and get away with it. You’re not allowed to do that in your early evening teen drama. You can have nasty characters but they have to be punished.”
At the same time, he says, the show isn’t trading on nudity or swearing, but on remaining realistic to its target audience. “Our first responsibility to our audience is to give them something that justifies them giving up half an hour of their lives. What the media portrays as a reasonable way to behave is very different to what people in the street actually believe.
“I was a journalist for 15 years and I’ve been part of that whole double standard in which we all operate. Young people today are more sophisticated than they’ve ever been and the worst thing you can do is make them feel that you think they don’t know what’s going on.”
Humour, he says, is an equally big part of the show, and his first love as a television writer. “It’s incidental humour, the kind you have in ordinary conversation, and that’s the kind of humour I’m interested in, less than ‘Bob and Cookie are going to build a barbecue and accidentally burn down the hostel’.”
Crash Palace screens on Fox8 on Mondays and Tuesdays at 8.30pm from March 11
ByÝPaul Kalina
February 28 2002
The Age
Secret life of a backpacker
FORMER The Secret Life Of Us guest star Jess Gower found out just how much her character was loved when she was killed off. Gower, who debuts next week in her next major role, in the Fox Television series Crash Palace, still receives the commiserations of fans who were devastated when her character, Sam, was suddenly hit by a car and killed in the Network Ten drama.
“One lady came up to me when I was in a cafe and told me how Sam’s death really rattled her and how she hadn’t been able to sleep the night after it aired,” Gower recalled.
“But Sam was designed to die—she was too nice, she got the dream job and the dream man—it was all just too good.”
The vivacious 24-year-old actor stars in Crash Palace as Miranda Watts, a 16-year-old New Zealander on the adventure of a lifetime with her mother, Penny.
It also stars Tory Mussett, Dieter Brummer, Jenni Baird and Kristy Wright.
The half-hour adult soap, which will air on Fox 8 from next Monday, debuted in Britain before Australia, like The Secret Life Of Us.
It attracted rave reviews and has already been sold to 11 countries. A second season has been ordered.
Crash Palace pulls no punches when it comes to the hedonistic sex, drugs and rock ‘n’ roll lifestyle of your average backpacker.
“The show gets pretty dark as it goes along,” Gower said.
“Playing a teenager is an interesting change, because this one gets to do some serious growing up pretty quickly.
“And I loved the challenge of doing an accent and 20 scenes a day.”
Gower had always been intrigued by the prospect of an acting career, but she didn’t consider it seriously until late in her high-school years.
Although she has done the odd commercial—remember the Telstra ad, where she confuses John Farnham’s manager, Glenn Wheatley, with Paul Hogan?—Gower avoided the traditional soap-opera apprenticeship.
Her next major role, with co-stars Matt Newton and Mark Priestley, will be in Blurred, a film about the infamous annual schoolies’ week on the Gold Coast.
“I’m playing another teenager. I could probably stay in my teens for a few more years,” Gower laughed.
“The film is really about the characters and their first big life experience.”
By Kathy McCabe
March 03, 2002
The Daily Telegraph
Living in a hostel world
A new series delves into the backpacking world of the young and restless who visit our shores. JENNY DILLON checks in.
THEY’VE taken over our best beaches and pubs and created some ugly early morning disputes with the locals, but backpackers also pick up the jobs no one else wants and the estimated 250,000 who arrive each year spend about $4400 each on local goods and services.
And now the global backpacking hordes who have been invading our city are set to entertain us on television.
Crash Palace, a half-hour serial drama that premieres on Fox8 next Monday, portrays the more racy, energetic lives of those who are living it up in the estimated 100 licensed backpacker hostels in Sydney.
It claims to be a ground-breaking look at the “hedonistic, hard-partying world of the globe-trotting backpacker”. But is this based on the true backpacking experience or is this just a male fantasy?
“Well it could be both,” laughs series creator Jimmy Thomson, who confesses to not enjoying backpacking at all, but whose knowledge of the scene comes from living in Backpacker Central itself, Kings Cross.
“From everything I have heard in talking to backpackers, from the people who work on the show and have backpacked and also from living in Kings Cross… the notion that there is a hedonistic lifestyle led by people coming to Australia and going nuts is absolutely accurate.”
That doesn’t mean all backpackers are like that, he stresses. “We’ve just chosen to focus on the bunch who are. That way, you can say that it’s not inaccurate, that we’ve taken a slice of the backpackers world, basically of those who are misbehaving.”
Crash Palace is centred around The Royal, a fictional 120-bed, three-storey terrace in King Cross.
In the first episodes we are introduced to Isabella and George (Lisa Bailey and Tim McCunn) who run the Palace with its eclectic collection of guests.
There’s Wendy and Ricky (Amelia Barrett and Daniel Billett), Americans slumming it on a platinum credit card; and struggling Kiwis Miranda (Jess Gower) and her young mother Penny (Tandi Wright).
The snap-happy singles include Inez (Tory Mussett), an adventurous, spoilt little princess from Buenos Aires; and Tina (Stephanie Waring) from Manchester who’s half naive, half smart and full-on party girl.
Adding to the cosmopolitan energy are the Scottish temptress Angie (Simone McAullay); and Bryan (Toby Truslove), a loser from Essex. On the fringe are local drifter Dave (Dieter Brummer), who claims honest and open relationships with women, and Londoner John (Warren Derosa), who prefers his relationships devious.
They are characters carved by Thomson from his numerous forays into the local hostels with slabs of beer and sausages for the barbecues. He’s heard their stories, understood their emotions and is now redrawing their experiences.
But how true to life are they? Do these travellers act like this when they are in their own countries, or do they change when they come to Australia?
“The latter. Absolutely,” says Thomson. “It’s happening at a very significant point in young people’s lives—that gap year, the gap between school and university, or the gap between university and work.
“For some, the travelling experience is trying to establish who they really are.
“For others it’s more a case of having the last great wild time in their lives before they go home, get engaged and married and get a mortgage and basically have to settle down.”
Most are half a planet away from their family and friends and the peer groups that can force then back into their mould.
“For some people, and apparently this happens more than you would think, it’s a chance to shed the personality they’ve grown up with and become somebody else.
“They say, ‘I’m tired of being the nerd, the loser, the one everyone picks on. I’m going to be the tough guy, the party girl.’ There will be no payback, they won’t be confronted, they can do whatever they want and the consequences are only temporary.”
But for Australia, the consequences work out at about $1 billion a year from these travellers—not a bad sum of money.
Crash Palace, Monday and Tuesday, Fox8, 8.30pm
By Jenny Dillon
March 07, 2002
The Daily Telegraph
Sex and drugs and naughty words
SAYING Fox 8’s new serial drama is a little edgy is like saying the Pope is a wee bit religious.
Crash Palace goes where other Australian soaps have feared and failed to tread.
It features drug use, sexual references, bad language, loose morals and lots of flesh.
And, according to Foxtel director of television Brian Walsh, that was just what the pay TV provider ordered.
“We felt that we could develop a serial drama that was edgy, contemporary and pushed boundaries in a way that Home and Away and Neighbours couldn’t do because they are on free-to-air television and play it safe,” he says.
“(Crash Palace) deals with the issues that face young Australians and young people travelling the world.”
It does this through its unique setting—a backpackers hostel in Sydney’s King Cross.
At The Royal, the show’s 15 characters stage huge parties, have holiday flings, share drugs and fight over use of the shared kitchen.
While its focus on the younger audience may bring comparisons to Ten’s The Secret Life of Us, Walsh says Crash Palace is aimed at a much “younger audience and is not as high brow”.
The show’s mainly Australian cast includes former Pepsi Chart host Tori Mussett, ex-Home and Away actors Dieter Brummer and Kristy Wright, ex-The Secret Life of Us star Jess Gower and All Saints newcomer Jenni Baird.
Crash Palace, Fox 8/Foxtel, Monday and Tuesday, 8.30pm.
By Jennifer Dudley
March 07, 2002
The Courier Mail

Comedy disaster planning

This is passed on from a friend of a friend who was at a TV comedy writing workshop in LA. It was taught by a 23-year veteran of network sitcoms. If the original author objects to this being on the website, drop me a line (jimmyt@ozemail.com.au) and I’ll remove it.  But I’m thinking, since I first read this, we’ve had the big crash and this advice resonates way beyond the writing rooms.

If comedies stop being produced in Hollywood, we’re on our own. We’re not going to be employed. That’s just the truth of it. Look at what Reality shows have done — half the writers in town said, ‘We’re outta here!’ and left the business.
Whoever stays in the business is going to have more than they can handle, so be prepared to be on your own in terms of water, food, shelter and medical attention for anywhere from one to five seasons.” He wasn’t being alarmist, just realistic.
Okay, so, some practical things to know:
Keep your car’s gas tank half full at all times. You never know when you might have to jam to a development meeting and you can’t count on having enough spare money to buy a gallon of gas. During the last writers’ strike, freeways became snarled with cars that had run out of gas.
Make it a habit to look around every time you enter your home and imagine how you’d get out in an emergency. People will rush to sell their homes at the same time, driving down prices. This is where the crush will occur. Look for alternate exits ahead of time.
Have enough prescription medication on hand to carry you through if pharmacies are closed, or be prepared to give up high-priced anti-depressants and switch to inexpensive fruity wine.
Don’t drink the water from your pool. It’ll give you diarrhea. You can make a 5-gallon jug of water drinkable by adding a teaspoon of chlorine. It’ll keep for up to five years, at which point we have predicted comedy should be coming back.
Or just drink the chlorine to end it all, washing it down with inexpensive fruity wine.
Don’t store spec scripts directly on concrete. It’ll degrade the brads, which you may later need to fashion a crude razor.
Eat food and drink water every six months, at the same time as you change agents. It’s good to have a camping stove in your preparedness kit, to cook up the crumbs agents toss your way. Plus, you can use it to immolate yourself, if necessary.
Make sure your kit contains lots of wet wipes, to erase fingerprints should you be driven to a life of crime.
After a couple days without water, when you’ve flushed your toilet for the last time, take out any remaining water, line the bowl with a trash bag, and jump in. Gross to think about; good to know.
Keep bottles of Clorox within reaching distance of bottles of amonia.
When combined, they can create a potentially fatal gas.
Make sure all pets are either microchipped or have collars with contact info, as you don’t want to lose them. You never know when a “loving pet” might have to become an “eating pet”.
After a dry spell of 5 seasons or more, the effectiveness of your existing spec scripts is questionable. Turn off your mind to protect any sense of humor that’s still in your head. Otherwise, a sense of hopelessness might come in and contaminate it.
Don’t use your cell phone when you curse out your agent. It might lose its electrical charge and he/she will miss a few choice expletives.
Keep a crowbar in your bedroom to make sure you can get out in the event that you are in deep debt and the sheriff is at the door. If you live above the first floor, keep a roll-up ladder as well.
Designate one out-of-state friend or relative as your main “crash person”. They can be the clearinghouse for people to find out if you’re okay. Give them a list of people you’d like them to call for you, so they can save on office supplies thanks to your new capacity as Staples Jr. Manager.
Don’t keep your car in the garage immediately after staffing season.
You will need to sell it, because you will be less stable, plus you will have nowhere to go.
When bludgeoning an agent with a blunt object, use anything that’s taller than it is wide. Anchor your victims to bookshelves, refrigerators, heavy furniture or gas appliances before dropping them into the sea.
If you’re at a big Agency like CAA or Endeavor during staffing season, set fire to the spec scripts on their shelving racks, even if you have to shove the contents onto the floor. It’ll keep you safe from too much competition and allow for the writers below you to collapse.